You are born in a Great America. Not an amusement park, but a nation that came out on top in World War 2, put a man on the moon, and devised the Civil Rights Act. Sure, the guy who promised to put the man on the moon was shot in the head, and sure, the guy who pioneered the Civil Rights Movement was also shot to death, but that wasn't ***you***. ***You*** are a rising star in your generation, ready to take on the world.
Do you...
[[Go to college -> option 1]]
[[Get a job -> option 2]]
[[Start a business -> option 3]]
Everything worked out great!
You made a ton of great connections because no one had crippling social anxiety. Because you attented a progressive, liberal college you were also able to meet your soon to be spouse. Don't worry, AIDS doesn't exist yet, so you had plenty of time to have lots of fun. You got to see Bob Dylan and the Rolling Stones in concert and for some reason the CIA thought it would interesting to give everyone LSD, so you had lots and lots of fun. By your senior year, you had job offers because you were obviously, and undeniably a winner. Your education was paid in full by the part-time job which, because you were so loyal in those four years, offered a small pension. You make a seamless transition from having a B.A. in "undeclared" to the professional class, working on the virtues of some newfangled future concept called "automation" and before you know it, it's time to buy your first family home.
Do you...
[[ Buy a small home -> option 4]]
[[ Buy a large home -> option 4]]
[[ Drop everything, travel for a year and have an affair -> option 5]] Everything worked out great!
You left all those nerds in the dust and got a manufacturing job with a strong union. You and your highschool sweetheart shack up at her parents' house and no one judges you for living at home because family values still exist. At work, you notice that the old timers seem slow, almost lazy, which you naturally and correctly attribute to UNION CORRUPTION. With a little bit of elbow grease, and occasionally telling the boss man when someone isn't pulling their weight, you are quickly promoted to a management position. In your first year as manager, you send profits soaring after making the genius decision to OUTSOURCE JOBS TO CHINA. You are given a huge bonus with which you decide to buy your first home.
Do you...
[[ Buy a small home -> option 4]]
[[ Buy a large home -> option 4]]
[[ Take a year off, travel and have a wackadoo affair -> option 5]]Everything worked out great!
Because there's no Amazon or Starbucks, your brick and mortar store selling who-cares-what became an indispensible pillar of your community after you made the genius decison to provide free instant coffee to your customers. You and your highschool sweetheart live at your parents' house and no one judges you because family values still exist and your father understands that starting a new venture is a bit of a risk. All the local power-brokers, business leaders and politicians came to your store as a meeting place to talk shop and before you know it, people are asking you for advice and the lastest gossip. Some even suggest you run for a local office, which you dismiss because you know you can make more money by franchising out. When you tell your father, he happily co-signs a business loan with very reasonable terms and only asks that when you hire new people that they be unionized and have a living wage. But you know that your father is an idiot who probably has brain damage from malnutrition during the Depression and shell shock from the war. You hire immigrants instead and soon find yourself with lots and lots of disposable income.
Do you...
[[buy a small house -> option 4]]
[[buy a large house -> option 4]]
[[Drop everything, travel for a year and have a whackadoo affair -> option 5]] Everything worked out great!
You buy your first home and within a year the value increases enough to justify selling it, and splitting the money into the purchase of two newer, bigger homes. You live in one with your spouse and new baby while renting the other. By the time your second child arrives, the market allows you to sell the two homes and buy four. You realize you can stop working and just manage and acquire more properties, and that the more you do this, the higher demand seems, driving prices higher and continuing the cycle of your well-deserved prosperity. Working still feels good though, and it provides you with enough capital to make regular investments in the stock market.
Do you...
[[Keep doing what you're doing and retire at 50 -> option 6]]
[[Drop everything, travel for a year and have a whackadoo affair -> option 7]]Everything worked out GREAT!
There's no such thing as social media or AIDS, so your significant other is none the wiser. You make some great business contacts abroad and have a baby in a foreign land, but because DNA testing doesn't exist there's no way to prove anything. You abandon your love-child who never learns who you are and return to the land of the free, where after a bit of penicillin, you resume your normal life.
Do you...
[[Buy a small house -> option 4]]
[[Buy a large house -> option 4]] You did it! You are the American Dream. You own your home, have two kids who you put through college and after making a killing on the stock market are comfortably retired. You did it with no help at all from your parents, who were stupid enough to be born during the Great Depression and too dumb to think of "draft dodging." You were a business genius, who made the bold steps to vanquish the evils of unions by bravely outsourcing jobs to China, heroically automating factory work, piously replacing striking workers with immigrants, and then valiantly deporting those immigrants once those robots you so cleverly invested in turned up.
You're still hip too! After taking a class on computer literacy at the library, the librarian helped you follow your kids on Facebook where, like the cool parent you are, you proceeded to comment on every single photo of your child, friend their friends, and engage in completely informed political discourse which your kid, and all their friends can see.
But like the forward thinker you are, you know that all things, except your infallible ideas and opinions, change. In twenty to thirty years, you won't be here and it's time to plan your graceful descent into old age.
Do you...
[[research assisted living facilities -> option 8]]
[[research in-home care -> option 9]]Everything worked out great!
You're not as young as you used to be, but luckily the brilliant men and women at Pfizer invent a miracle drug called "Viagra." It makes you an unstoppable god and you go on a rampage through several island communities. You make some new business contacts who clue you into some newfangled technologies like "the Internet" and "automation." They also warn that unless these burgeoning ideas are allowed to flourish, the entire global economy will collapse under the evils of "worker's rights," an obvious 1984 style double-speak term for "violent innovation rape." In your mind you thank your public school system, which was funded at the time, for providing you with such piercing insight.
Before leaving for home, your affair informs you that a child is on the way. Luckily, the FDA just approved a miracle drug called "Plan B" and PSAs warning women about men slipping pills into their drinks haven't reached the far East.
You return home with one less love-child and your spouse none the wiser. With your new investments taking off, you are projected to retire at 50.
[[Retire at 50 -> option 6]] Ruh-Roh!
It looks like assisted living is a lot more expensive than you could have imagined. After decades of buying into the idea that you would stay young forever, and forcing your body to cope with that philosophy via cholesterol, blood pressure and pain medication, you awaken to the stark reality that assisted living can cost anywhere from four to ten thousand dollars a month. You briefly entertain the notion of voting for Bernie Sanders so that maybe the Millennials' tax money will pay for it, but then you remember that they are all, without exemption, lazy and would never consider working a day in their lives, and also that Medicare doesn't actually cover assisted living so screw Bernie "the innovation rapist" Sanders. You can get a bird to land on a podium too.
Do you...
[[research in-home care -> option 9]]
[[go outside and shoot your AR-15 into the sky until a bird makes you a meme -> option 10]]
[[have an honest, albiet vulnerable discussion with your children about your fears for your future and gague their willingness to help you in your final years -> option 11]] Jinkees!
It turns out qualified, liscenced in-home care is much more expensive than you thought. At thirty-five dollars an hour, twenty-four hour care would cost more than a quarter-million per year. That's not even for a trained medical professional. You briefly consider a cheaper, immigrant-based option, but then remember that you don't trust immigrants and ooh boy if they ever caught wind of your voting record...
You momentarily entertain the notion of voting for Bernie Sanders so that maybe the Millennials' tax money will pay for it, but then you remember that they are all, without exemption, lazy and would never consider working a day in their lives, and also that Medicare doesn't actually cover in-home care, so screw Bernie "the unapologetic, innovation rapist" Sanders. You can get a bird to land on a podium too.
Do you...
[[research assisted-living facilities -> option 8]]
[[fire your AR-15 into the sky until a bird makes you a meme -> option 10]]
[[have an honest, albiet vulnerable discussion with your children about your fears for your future and gague their willingness to help you in your final years -> option 11]] This is the most fun you've had all day, but sadly, you do not become an instant meme-based millionaire. You could have kept going, but your idiot kids went ahead and voted for politicians that banned high-capacity magazines. You mutter *"Thanks, Obama..."* derisively and go back inside.
Do you...
[[Check and see if assisted living is somehow, suddenly affordable -> option 8]]
[[Check and see if in-home care is somehow, suddenly affordable -> option 9]]
[[Talk to your children in an honest, open manner and admit that you need at the very least, their emotional support in this difficult time -> option 11]] Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no, no, f@$& that.
You're an innovator. A revolutionary thinker. You know how to use the latest and greatest technologies to aggregate the finest, most diverse ideas the world has to offer. You fix yourself your favorite "whiskey and nothing else" based beverage and consult ***"The Brain Trust."***
Do you...
[[Check in with Hannity -> option 12]]
[[See what Tucker thinks -> option 12]]
[[Watch the Ingraham Angle -> option 12]]
[[Tune into Rush -> option 12]]
[[Google what Rob Black is up to -> option 12]]
[[Open a private broswer and log in to your Infowars plus account -> option 12]]
[[Lock yourself in the bathroom and check the President's Twitter feed -> option 12]]
[[Research which radio station the Bill O'Reilly podcast is on. Another conservative silenced... ***"Thanks, Obama"*** you mutter derisively, forgetting entirely that the "silencing of conservative voices" took place under the God-Emperor administration. -> option 12]]Zoinks!
The internet is down. You recently turned your house into an Alexa-plastered monument to automation and now you can't use your computer, smart TV, or phone because like the genius you are your data plan has a whopping 250 MBs per month, which you used up while your phone was in a plastic bag during your "extra long shower."
Do you...
[[Fix it yourself. You can do anything. You, personally, built this entire nation into the prosperous land of unlimited freedom that your children want to turn into a godless nanny-state. You'll show them. You'll show them all. -> option 13]]
[[Call your elder child for help -> option 14]]
[[Call your younger child for help -> option 15]]
You can't quite remember where the router is, so like any sane person you go to the breaker box and kill power to the entire house and then turn it back on again. When this doesn't seem to work, you remember you can ask Alexa anything. She replies that she can't seem to connect to the Internet, which you interpret as a deep, personal, irony-laced insult (the kind that your kids do) and so you very reasonably whip Alexa against the wall, shattering her into a million pieces. It's okay, because every other room in your house has an Alexa... Or is it?
Do you...
[[Go on an Alexa smashing rampage, so the bitch knows not to disrespect you ever again -> option 16]]
[[Admit defeat, clean up and call your elder child -> option 14]]
[[Admit defeat, clean up and call your younger child -> option 15]]You contact your elder child. They are an Uber driver/yoga instructor/eBay reseller/barista with a Master's in Political Science and forty thousand dollars in outstanding student loans. You could have paid for their education, but being the principled parent you are, you chose to teach them an invaluable (but arguably forty thousand dollar) lesson in hard work, grit and moxie. Like all salt-of-the-Earth Americans they are completely disillusioned to government and are not at all resentful towards you. They arrive after dropping off their last ride and picking up their "roommate," who they've been living with for the past seven years. To your knowledge, your elder child has never dated, but certainly has a best friend in their "roommate." You know you raised them right because they know how to cut out unnecessary expenses and stretch every dollar. When you last visited their shared studio, you were surprised to see that they even share a bed! Now that's some fine penny pinching and ***definitely not anything else.***
Do you...
[[Cut to the chase and ask them to fix the Internet -> option 17]]
[[Make some pleasant small talk and ask them about their life and world -> option 18]]
[[Offer to take them to lunch for the imposition/kindness -> option 19]]
[[Ask them if they've gotten a real job yet -> option 18]]
[[See if your spouse is willing to fix everyone a nice home cooked meal -> option 19]]
[[Drop the charade, pour everyone a drink and have an open and honest discussion about the troubling realities facing the retiring Baby Boomer generation -> option 20]]
[[Realize that while this child has no money or future, they're at least working themselves to exhaustion and miserable like a good American. You dismiss your older child and call upon your younger child -> option 15]] You call upon your younger child. They never went to college and live in the attic. You rarely see them, but you know they are driving up your electricity bill "mining cryptos" whatever that means. Your spouse claims they are a very famous on "Twitch" and "TikTok" which you're pretty sure means they are a meth dealer.
Your younger child comes down from the attic.
Do you...
[[Ask them to fix the Internet -> option 22]]
[[Ask them if they have a job yet -> option 23]]
[[Tell them the truth. You are having anxiety about the coming years and want to know if you have their support should things go south -> option 24]]
[[Tell them the free ride is over. They're sucking up all your resources and you want them out. -> option 25]]
[[Remind yourself that this one is useless and you're better off asking the older child for help -> option 14]]You go from room to room, re-establishing your dominance over the machines and avenging the forgotten American worker which you had absolutely nothing to do with. Your spouse comes home to find you digging a shallow grave for Alexa parts in the backyard since you can't Google whether or not computers are recyclable. Your spouse insists you call one of the children, to which you ultimately oblige because while it is your agreed-upon sex night, we all know nothing, except your world-view, is certain.
Do you...
[[call your elder child -> option 14]]
[[call your younger child -> option 15]]Your elder child instantly figures out that the router has been unplugged and plugs it back in.
Do you...
[[Thank your child and apologize for taking up their time with something so trivial -> option 26]]
[[Blame your spouse for having unplugged it without letting you know -> option 27]]
[[Suggest your child should get a job as an electrician -> option 28]]
[[Tell your child you love them and that you are proud of them -> option 29]]
[[Tell your child about your fears for the future -> option 30]]You ask them if they have a real job yet and muse how well the economy is doing under the current president. Your child replies that GDP and the stock market are not good indicators of how well the country is doing as a whole, but you know that's just snowflake talk for "woe is me, trying is hard."
Do you...
[[Come clean and admit that unfettered capitalism has taken its toll on every generation and that you too will soon find yourself in dire need of help from the predatory, private-sector elder-care industry -> option 20]]
[[Change the subject and ask for help with the Internet -> option 17]]
[[Inspire your child with a regaling story from how things were back in the day, and how you, without any of the advantages of the Internet, crafted a comfortable life for your entire family -> option 21]]The thought brings a chuckle to the depths of your heart. There's no such thing as a free lunch. Your child asks you why you are laughing to yourself like a serial killer on Xanax.
You reply by...
[[Asking them if they have a real job yet -> option 18]]
[[Casually dismiss them and make some pleasant small talk -> option 18]]
[[Ask them to fix the Internet -> option 17]]
[[Break down and tell them you're going to die and you need your baby to save you from Death -> option 20]]You sit your child down and begin to explain how health care costs in this country are skyrocketing. It's the first time you two have actually agreed on an issue facing the nation. Spurred on by the alien feeling of "connection with another human being" you blurt out that all of this could have been avoided if only the illegals and *inner city thugs* would just buy health insurance and stop using the ER like it was a free clinic, forcing hard-working middle-class Americans to foot the bill.
You raise your eyebrows as if to say *"amirite??"*
to which your elder child nods and mutters, "OK Boomer..."
Do you...
[[Very reasonably ask that discourse remain civil and that reducing the conversation to generational warfare solves nothing and further divides the nation -> AW HELL NO]]Before you even get through saying "back in my day," your child's "roommate" mutters *"OK Boomer..."* in a tone that should only be used when referring to Barack Obama. You are taken aback. You feel dismissed. You feel old. Was this how... *Obama*... felt?
Suddenly, you realize you've been standing there for nine seconds in silence and that everyone is staring at you.
Do you...
[[Understand that each generation faces a different set of challenges and that decisions your age group made, however innocently, had a real effect on the lives and opportunities of future generations -> FUCK THAT]]
[[Lose your shit and launch into a tirade about how entitled and disrespectful the Millennials are, and that most of the so-called problems they complain about are either self-inflicted or part of some liberal media brain-washing campaign -> FUCK THAT]]
[[Dismiss the comment like an adult, and ask your child to fix the Internet -> option 17]]
[[Dismiss your child and see if the younger one will be less of a pain in the ass. -> option 15]]Your younger child instantly figures out that the router has been unplugged. They fix the issue.
Do you...
[[Thank your child and apologize for taking up their time with something so trivial -> option 26]]
[[Blame your spouse for having unplugged it without letting you know -> option 27]]
[[Suggest your child should get a job as an electrician -> option 28]]
[[Tell your child you love them and that you are proud of them -> option 29]]
[[Tell your child about your fears for the future -> option 30]]Your younger child tells you that wage work is a path that only leads to debt slavery, and that exchanging real, finite time resources for fixed amounts of fiat currency is a raw deal. They tell you that making concrete improvements to the floor of your standard of living is a much more worthwhile pursuit.
Do you...
[[Tell them to improve the floor of their standard of living by fixing the Internet -> option 22]]
[[Tell the lippy shit that if they're so smart then they should move out of the attic and stop sucking the life out of you -> option 25]]
[[Calmly explain that working a job is a great way to develop character and figure out your place in the world. There is no shame nor greater feeling than a simple existence earned from a hard day's work. -> FREAK THE FUCK OUT]]
[[Realize this child might actually understand something about the economy and open up about your festering anxiety about end of life care -> option 24]]
[[Remember that this one is useless and get the elder child to help -> option 14]]
Your younger child nods with empathy and understanding. After a moment of consideration they ask if you would like them to sell off some "crypto" to provide you with a little extra cushioning.
Clearly they are talking about drugs.
You tell your younger child that they are a disappointment and that they should have gone to college like the elder child.
Do you...
[[Dismiss your younger child and ask the elder child for help -> option 14]]Your younger child seems to stare at you with pity. Their phone chimes, but they ignore it to continue talking with you. They ask you if everything is alright. They tell you that they don't actually need to live in the attic. They're doing just fine. Your spouse had asked them to stay for your sake. Everyone's worried about you, but if you want them gone, they'll leave.
Do you...
[[Calm yourself down and explain why you're so worked up. End of life care has you really freaked out and you're not sure if you have enough to provide for you and your spouse -> option 24]]
[[Stifle all emotions and tell your kid to fix the Internet -> option 22]]
[[Tell them to go "smoke a TikTok" and get the hell out of your house -> FREAK THE FUCK OUT]]
[[Remember how useless emotions and your younger child are and get the older one to help fix the Internet -> option 14]]With the elegance and grace of a Classical Greek rhetorician you initiate your response with the well-reasoned elucidation of, "HOW GODDAMN DARE YOU" and things go a little red from there. By the time you regain consciousness and control of your faculties, your spouse is nowhere in sight and you find yourself screaming about the real menaces to society - incremental increases to estate and captital gains taxes.
After a brief pause, your child asks you if you are finished. You contemplate this for a moment and decide that yes, you've shown them;
to which they both reply in unison, "OK Boomer."
Do you...
[[Understand that you've been acting like a fool, apologize and ask for help with the Internet -> option 17]]
[[Excuse yourself from the situation and take a long drive to cool off -> rage quit]]
[[Stop feeding into whatever game your child is playing and have a frank discussion about respect in discourse -> rage quit]]
[[Summon the wrath of Mars, God of War and reign verbal hellfire -> rage quit]]
[[Realize this is going nowhere and see if your younger child can help -> option 15]]
You burst into tears and hide under your car. Whenever someone tries to calm you down, you scream louder and louder, as if you were a small child sitting on a slide and a tiny frog has lept onto your lip. Everything goes black.
You awaken in the hospital, having burst several blood vessels in your neck, throat, eyes and lungs. Your family sits by your bedside and your spouse informs you that your stay is not covered by the health insurance. The bill for the ambulance and an overnight stay in the ER comes to thirty-thousand dollars.
Do you...
[[Finally, at long last, have an honest discussion with your children about the challenges facing the retiring Boomers -> END 1]]
[[Pretend this never happened and ask your elder child to take you home and fix the Internet -> option 17]]
[[Pretend this never happened and ask your younger child to take you home and fix the Internet -> option 22]]
[[Tell your kids they are huge disappointments, drop everything, leave the country and have a whackadoo affair -> END 2]]For the first time in your life, you share your fears and vulnerabilities with your children. You all realize that you are victims to the same systems and culture and you resolve to unite as a family and while no one is sure what the precise solutions will be, you know that at the very least you will face these challenges together. Your spouse suggests that everyone go home and share a hot meal.
You and your family drive home as the sun sets. The song on the radio reminds you of your childhood, and you take a moment to reflect on the problems your kids might encounter when they reach your age. You decide that despite your worldview, this planet will soon be theirs and whoever your kids want to vote for, you will vote for too. Even if it's Bernie Sanders, or a lady.
You pull into your driveway. The sun has gone down. A climate change related tornado rips through your garage and kills your entire family.
[[The end -> Credits]]You get AIDS.
As you attempt to return to the US, the president declares war on North Korea and launches several nuclear bombs. You happen to be in a layover in South Korea, and according to the president "they all look the same."
[[The end -> Credits]] You understand intuitively that the best way to thank a young person is by giving them unsolicited advice.
[[Advise they take up a useful, steady career track like being an electrician. -> option 28]]You wait until your spouse is clearly out of earshot before laying the blame on them. Your child clearly does not believe you and you stare at eachother in silence for fifteen seconds.
Do you...
[[Suggest they should become an electrician. Electricians make good money and you remind them that the economy is doing really well -> option 28]]Your child informs you that fixing the Internet is an IT based position, not something an electrician does. They also tell you that people who generally install and fix wi-fi on this scale don't make that much money and to make decent money in tech would require more years of education that they can't afford.
You frankly don't comprehend most of this because all you hear is "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH I'M A CAPPY THE CAPITULATING LIBERAL. SAVE ME BERNIE. SAVE ME WITH FREE THINGS."
It's time for you to save the day with a rousing speech about ***personal responsibility***. You begin with the time honored classic, "When I was your age," but before you can say "bootstraps" your child rolls their eyes and mutters, "OK Boomer..."
Do you...
[[Very reasonably ask that discourse remain civil and that reducing the conversation to generational warfare solves nothing and further divides the nation -> AW HELL NO]]Hahahahahahahahahahahaha no, no, f#^$ that.
That's how weakness gets made.
Do you...
[[Thank your child and apologize for taking up their time with something so trivial -> option 26]]
[[Blame your spouse for having unplugged it without letting you know -> option 27]]
[[Suggest your child should get a job as an electrician -> option 28]]
[[Tell your child about your fears for the future -> option 30]]Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah no, no, f&#^ that.
What are you, a ***Millennial?***
Do you...
[[Thank your child and apologize for taking up their time with something so trivial -> option 26]]
[[Blame your spouse for having unplugged it without letting you know -> option 27]]
[[Suggest your child should get a job as an electrician -> option 28]]
[[Tell your child you love them and that you are proud of them -> option 29]]You find that visual aids help deliver complex policy prescriptions and before you know it you're in the kitchen, really doing your position service by winging your spouse's freshly baked apple turnovers into the ceiling fan while screaming, "OH LOOK IT'S A PIE IN THE SKY. THAT'S HOW YOU LIKE YOUR PIE, RIGHT? IN THE SKY?! WELL WHY DON'T YOU FLOAT OFF THE GROUND LIKE THE SAINT THAT YOU ARE AND EAT YOUR SKY PIE?!"
Your peripheral vision returns and you realize that your child is filming you with their phone. They very calmly reply, "OK Boomer..."
Do you...
[[Take a deep breath, realize that no good can come of this conversation and excuse yourself -> option 31]]
[[Reaffirm your position and calmly explain that historically government interventions, no matter how noble a cause, be it student loan forgiveness, free college, universal healthcare or free bread for the Romans, tend to further debase the currency, drive inflation, and stifle innovation through higher taxes, which is inevitably eaten up by beaurocrats, worsening virtually every problem the society faces -> option 31]]
[[Double down. Double all the way down. Conjure within yourself the wrath of a thousand Spartans and scorch the earth with truth -> option 31]]You kick your child in the chest.
Your back gives out, and your socks slip out from under your sandals. You land flat on your back and a little fart slips out. Your kid is fine, and still filming. By the time the ambulance arrives you've gone viral on several social media platforms, which is fortunate because the money generated by ad revenue is enough to pay for the medical bill. You are humiliated, but physically fine.
Do you...
[[Finally, at long last, have an honest discussion with your children about the challenges facing the retiring Boomers -> END 1]]
[[Tell your kids they are huge disappointments, drop everything, leave the country and have a whackadoo affair -> END 2]]You speak in a way reminiscent of Abraham Lincoln - shrill, and loud enough to be heard by hundreds of people without amplification.
Your younger child listens intently, taking in your words in earnest. After a moment, they nod, take a deep breath and say, "OK Boomer."
You are taken aback. You feel dismissed. You feel ignored and they aren't even looking at their phone.
Do you...
[[Ask your younger child what they mean by that. It's probably a misunderstanding -> tantrum]]
[[Just let it go. They're young. You were snippy at that age too, but now you're older, wiser and in complete control of your emotions. -> tantrum 3]]
[[Surrender yourself to Lytta, the spirit of frenzy who sprang from the blood of Uranus' castration wound, and salt the earth with a speech about entitlement -> tantrum]]You find it much easier to be received as an intellectual equal your child when you are standing over them, shirtless and brandishing a hot clothes iron as they cower in a corner.
Your child explains that the "OK Boomer" comment can be seen as a reaction to a longstanding trend of dismissiveness towards politically active young people who are branded as naive for wanting to assert the rights and egalitarian principles laid out by the Declaration of Independence and the 14th Ammendment. While it may be interpreted as a conversation stopper, or a lazy deployment of pathos, when faced with the mounting and seemingly overwhelming problems of our modern world, it's obvious that the political energy and good will of young people should be spent on mobilizing a constiuency which cannot be ignored, and not get tied up in any one conversation with persons who make the assumption that legal, vote-eligible adults, aren't real adults. Your child draws a comparison to the Vietnam war protests on college campuses and asks how global climate disasters, or the spectre of nuclear war are any different.
Do you...
[[Explain that despite the best intentions of the founding fathers, yourself and countless other before you, life just isn't fair. You cannot force every individual to engage in the social contract in good faith, and that pushing for more rules and regulations only restricts the activities of law abiding persons, most of which would love to see a peaceful world running on clean energy, but asking working and middle-class people to pay more in taxes only forces them to work more and consider their civic duties less, which in the worst cases breeds the kind of cynicism that allows the divide and conquer schemes of the elite to work. "OK Boomer" plays right into this fragmentation of society, regardless of how hilarious you find it. -> tantrum 2]]
[[Brand them as naive, but with the iron -> tantrum 2]]As you stand at the ready with your iron, you realize that this conflict might be getting out of hand. You remind yourself of the wisdom offered by Haji Ali, who said "The first time you share tea with a Balti, you are a stranger. The second time you take tea, you are an honored guest. The third time you share a cup of tea, you become family."
You may not have tea because tea is for nerds, but you do you several handles of whiskey, which is basically the same thing. Since competition is the best form of diplomacy, you challenge your child to a good ol' fashion bourbon bingeing battle and begin before they can consider the terms of the arrangement.
In a way, this feels like a good opportunity to bond with your child, and to demonstrate to them that you are hip and cool like them, and not some old, stodgy, out-of-touch, grump.
Do you...
[[Slow down and let your kid win the contest. You'll be closer for it -> END 3]]
[[Keep the contest tight until the end before pulling ahead. They'll respect your vigor for sure -> END 3]]
[[Boof your booze and blow them out of the water. You're a goddamn legend and they'll tell tales of your glorious victory for generations to come -> END 3]]You awaken in a derelict jail cell in Caracas Venezuela wearing nothing but dental floss woven into a loin cloth with no memory of what happened. The jail seems abandoned, but after spending several hours forming a transactional relationship with some capybara, you trade your floss cloth for a ham radio. After spending some time updating yourself on the political turmoil in the region you are surprised to see Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro run up to your cell and say, "Thank goodness you're awake. Everyone is waiting for you!"
You are dressed in a fine military garb before being quickly escorted into a press conference before a croud of countless Venezuelans. Maduro gives a brief speech before gesturing to you and proclaiming, "THEY DID IT" and then running away.
You go down in history as "El Chivo Expiatorio" and even get a Wikipedia page. While no one really knows what happened to your body after it was drawn and quartered by two goats, a gaggle of pensioners and an old Mercedes, the incident forces a response from the international community which finally commits enough resources to help stabilize the region.
[[The end -> Credits]] "OK Boomer: The Game" was written and created by E.I. Wong. He is the author of "The Captain's Society for Happy Cannibals" and "Poet Robot," a collection of humor-based poetry which has not aged well. He studied English and Creative Writing at the University of Oregon and desperately needs to "lurn 2 code."
"OK Boomer: The Game" was edited by his girlfriend, who does not find E.I. nearly as funny as he does, and to be honest she didn't even get to read the whole thing because he is a sensitive little artist who crumbles under slightest amount of constructive criticism.
If you found yourself offended by any of the material presented in this HTML based "choose your own adventure" game, feel free to contact his employer and attempt to have him fired. Jokes on you. He doesn't have a real job. Welcome to "OK Boomer: The Game" an interactive text-based adventure game.
First, let's choose your character!
Are you...
[[American as applie pie, white guy ->Putting in Your Dues]]
[[Woman and proud -> Are you sure?]]
[[A minority, prepared to live the American Dream -> You're kidding, right?]]
[[Queer, and here so get used to it -> They're not used to it]]Are you sure?
It's gonna be waaaaaay harder and probably twenty percent less rewarding despite doing the same amount of work...
[[Yes, I'm sure. Make me a woman -> Are you sure? 2]]
[[No, you're right. I'll play on easy mode. ->Putting in Your Dues]] You're kidding, right?
Spoiler alert for the game, it starts pretty much right after the Civil Rights Act gets passed and you know the country as a whole wasn't just "on board" from day one, right?
The "model" minority were the ones who were okay being put in camps and banned from citizenship rights for sixty years.
Basically, it's gonna be really, really hard.
There aren't points in this game, but if there were, the game would absolutely steal those points back as soon as you weren't paying attention.
[[You're right, what was I thinking? Gimme white guy ->Putting in Your Dues]]
[[It's 2019. I like who I am. My heritage is important to me and I would like to play as a minority -> You really don't get it do you?]]Yeah, they're not used to it. They won't be used to it for at least fifty years, and to be honest, some of them are just pretending to be used to it because they're afraid of getting called out by their peers online.
Are you sure you want to do this?
[[You're right, what was I thinking? Gimme white guy ->Putting in Your Dues]]
[[Yes. I'm proud of who I am, and I'm not afraid -> please reconsider]]Are you sure you're sure?
I don't mean to question your opinions or subjective reality, but spoiler alert, ***most people are going to do this if you choose this lane.***
[[Okay, fine. I don't have all day and clearly you want me to be a white dude. ->Putting in Your Dues]]
[[Screw you, dude. I've been putting up with BS like this my whole life and your little game isn't gonna have me shook. Make me a gay, black woman. -> Gay black woman]]No, it's the 60's and this version of Hilary Clinton works on a political campaign that supports segregation. I'm telling you, this is not going to be a fun time.
[[Jeebus, really!? Okay fine, gimme white guy ->Putting in Your Dues]]
[[Screw you, dude. There's nothing more American than pushing through pain in the name of progress, and I am all about making life better for all Americans. Make me a gay, black woman! -> Gay black woman]] Okay, uhm, so I didn't actually think anyone would insist on this because of how difficult it was for queer people back then... To be perfectly honest, there isn't really much "game" for the queer character.
Alright, how about this, go ahead and reach into your pocket, pull out a coin and flip it. Heads, you live a really hard life, and tails you live a really hard life and kill yourself.
Those are the actual odds for trans people in 2019. ***2019!***
& you want a 1960's simulator?!
Hickory Jeebus, this is dark..
Thanks. Thanks a lot, pal. I was trying to make a cute little comedy game and now I'm just... I'm just sad.
[[Jeez, man. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bum you out. I'll play the game the way you wanted me to play it. I'll take white guy ->Putting in Your Dues]]
[[Oh so because you're lazy, queer people don't get representation in games? Screw you. Make me a gay, black woman -> Gay black woman]]Okay... all cards on the table... this game, being a near 100% accurate simulation of America, was built around the middle class, cis-het white male experience. I threw the character-creation part on at the last second because my girlfriend and editor pointed out that it felt non-inclusive. Now I've written myself into a corner and the only way out is to make light of the most tragic Venn diagram of historically marginalized groups. Please send all complaints to my Sweetie.
**GAME BEGINS**
You are born.
Things are really hard for your entire life and you are statistically way more likely to be the victim of a violent crime. Whatever you achieve in life is undercut by a constant stream of basic white guys saying "well you only got that cause you're (FILL IN THE BLANK)."
In the sense that you stuck to your convictions, ***you win!***
You also broke the game within a minute, so good for you...
[[You die a fighter, proud and successful on your own terms, which are the only ones that matter. At some point in your past you accidentally offended an evil warlock. You are then reincarnated as a basic white guy. ->Putting in Your Dues]] Let it go? Would Ronald Reagan let it go? Would John Galt let it go? NO. NO LETTING GO.
[[Don't let it go -> tantrum]]